We don't talk about it much. We expect middle school girls to whisper, exclude, and form cliques. We expect teenagers to weaponize friendships. But grown women? Church women? Moms? Professionals? Surely we've outgrown that. And yet...we haven't always.
Relational aggression doesn't usually look loud or dramatic in adulthood. It rarely shows up as shouting matches or obvious cruelty. Instead, it slips in quietly:
- The lunch you weren't invited to .
- The group chat you slowly realize exists without you.
- The polite smile paired with subtle exclusion.
- The prayer request that feels a little too detailed.
- The "I'm just concerned" conversation that somehow damages your reputation.
It's not fists: It's frost.
What Is Relational Aggression?
It is behavior meant to harm someone through relationships, reputation, or social standing rather than direct confrontation. In adult women, it often looks like:
- Social exclusion
- Withholding communication
- Backhanded compliments
- Strategic silence
- Gossip as a frame of concern
- Alliance-building against one person
It's subtle enough to deny. Painful enough to wound deeply.
And because it's not obvious, the woman on the receiving end often questions herself.
"Am I being too sensitive?"
"Did I imagine that?"
"Maybe I deserved it."
That internal confusion is part of what makes it so powerful.
Why Do Grown Women Still Do This?
Relational aggression in adulthood usually isn't about cruelty for cruelty's sake. It often grows from:
- Insecurity
- Fear of losing status or influence
- Competition
- Unresolved past wounds
- A need for control
- Jealousy (especially in tight communities)
In small towns. In churches. In tight-knit friend groups. Where everyone knows everyone. And influence matters. Sometimes it's about protecting a social circle. Sometimes it's about punishing someone who stepped outside an unspoken rule. Sometimes it's simply immaturity that never got addressed. Growing older does not automatically mean growing emotionally.
Why It Hurts So Much
Women are wired for connection. When connection is threatened, it feels like survival. Being excluded or subtly undermined can feel:
- Lonely
- Embarrassing
- Shame-inducing
- Confusing
- Spiritually discouraging
Especially when it happens in spaces that are supposed to be safe--friend groups, workplaces, ministries. There is something uniquely painful about smiling at someone on Sunday who quietly dismantled you on Tuesday.
How To Respond Without Becoming the Same
This is the hard part. Relational aggression tempts you to respond like this:
Build your own alliance.
Tell your side louder.
Withdraw first.
Go cold.
But reacting from hurt often multiplies the damage.
Instead:
- Check your interpretation. Make sure what you're perceiving is consistent behavior, not one isolated moment.
- Refuse to gossip back. Even when it feels justified.
- Address directly when appropriate. Sometimes a calm, private conversation diffuses months of tension.
- Strengthen healthy relationships. Don't chase circles that are closing. Invest where there is mutual respect.
- Guard your own heart. Bitterness is heavy. It seeps into everything.
Scripture speaks often about the tongue, unity, and sowing discord. Not because God expects perfection--but because He understands how destructive relational sin can be.
Relational aggression fractures communities quietly. It erodes trust, damages witness. It divides women who are meant to support one another.
But grace still exists here.
Some women who participate in relational aggression don't even recognize the pattern. It's generational. It's normalized. It's subtle.
Maturity is choosing awareness.
If You've Been Hurt
You are not dramatic.
You are not weak.
You are not imagining patterns that consistently repeat.
But you also don't have to live stuck there.
You can:
- Set boundaries.
- Limit access.
- Stop over-explaining yourself.
- Choose peace over proving.
Not every room is yours to win. Some rooms are simply not yours to stay in.
And that's okay.
If You Recognize Yourself in This
That's not condemnation. That's growth beginning.
Ask:
- Do I exclude when I feel insecure?
- Do I share "concerns" that damage?
- Do I control access to belonging?
- Do I withdraw affection to punish?
Awareness is strength.
We can be women who create warmth instead of frost. Women who build instead of quietly divide. Women who are safe. Because the world has enough mean. It needs more kindness.
Much Love,
Beth
Comments