I'm going to start this post with a disclaimer: I am coming off of one of the worst weeks of my adult life. Just about everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. I am "preaching " to myself here and I am only sharing this in my blog for two reasons: 1. I pray that God will be able to use my story to help someone. 2. I want to be able to look back on this time and see how God was working (because I know he is) things out for our family.
So like I said, terrible, awful week. I am not going to share the first event because I am just not ready to talk about it. The second one is equally as awful but not as personal. Makena will be having her second back surgery in 4 1/2 months. Yeah....let that sink in. The pain is unbearable for her. Last Monday she jumped off of the diving board and immediately knew it was bad. Her description was that it felt like she "hit a brick wall". We were finally able to get her an appointment to see her neurosurgeon on Thursday. He gave her meds (crappy ones that make her sleep 24/7) and sent her for an MRI with and without contrast (took around 45 minutes as opposed to the 20 minutes it usually takes). It was a holiday weekend and didn't hear anything from them until Wednesday when they called to say that the disk is back out and she needs to have the surgery again. I think we both lost our minds at that point. So, we scheduled a second surgery for the following week.
And my head has been spinning ever since. All of the questions have gone through my mind, "Why. God, does this have to happen to her? What did we do to deserve this? How are we going to make it through this? (this being the unnamed situation as well as a second surgery)" I mean, HELLO, IT'S SUMMER! IT'S HER SENIOR YEAR!!!
For the past two days I feel like I am screaming and nobody can hear me. Nobody is there to help me. When these things happen to normal people it's bad. When these things happen to a person with depression and anxiety, it is a little escalated. I think I have scared Carl and myself with some of the thoughts that have entered my mind and exited my mouth.
So, I wake up today, still a little numb, almost feeling dead inside (hard to understand unless you've been there). I make myself get out of bed and get dressed because no matter how I feel, my kids need food and we have nothing in the house. Amazingly, I don't even feel like crying today (maybe because there are no more tears left to cry), I'm just irritated, but I try to hide it but then people start asking me to do stuff....and I get even more irritated. So, I meet Carl to get his check at Walmart. I grocery shop. Makena makes it halfway through and has to go out to the car. God bless her, she is in pain but still tries to push through, being stronger than she should have to be. I then get a message from Carlie asking if I could bring her Wendy's to work. Why not? I mean, that's basically all I'm good for....taking care of my people. We left town and made it home before everything melted (it's warm out). I was working on putting my groceries up when the phone rang. Now sometimes I don't answer the phone (I HATE talking on the phone), but I recognized the number to be the hospital or clinic, so I answered. It was an elderly lady from our church. She was put in the hospital yesterday for complications from congestive heart failure. You know what she was doing? Calling to check on Makena (she also teaches all three of my kids in Sunday School).
A little louder for the ones in the back...she is in the hospital with congestive heart failure and she is still busy working for the Lord. She was just letting Makena know that she was praying for her and that she was sorry that there had to be a second surgery. And just like that I felt sorry. Not for myself anymore, but for being so darn selfish. For letting my mess get in the way of doing my job...doing His work. I will not let Satan get me down and out so much that I can't do what I was to do. It's all about Him. It is time to walk the walk.
Back in the mid 80's there was a song by George Jones called, Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes. It was basically talking about the old school (REAL) country singers.
It's time to ask the question, "whose gonna fill their shoes" when it comes to those prayer warriors and "old school" servants of God. What is going to happen when these people pass? Who in the world is going to take the time to call and check on people? To actually pray for those who request it. Something more than just a shallow prayer...someone who will petition God on your behalf. Who's going to do it? Isn't that part of our duty as a Christian? God isn't asking us to come up with some new, hip, creative way to spread his word and show His love to people. He just needs us to walk the walk. It's why we are here.
The current situation on the homestead is not ideal or even comfortable. I know, what I know, that I KNOW...God is in control. He will give us the grace to push through. I am thankful for the reminder I received today and I hope that it will help someone else out there as well.
Much Love,
Beth
So like I said, terrible, awful week. I am not going to share the first event because I am just not ready to talk about it. The second one is equally as awful but not as personal. Makena will be having her second back surgery in 4 1/2 months. Yeah....let that sink in. The pain is unbearable for her. Last Monday she jumped off of the diving board and immediately knew it was bad. Her description was that it felt like she "hit a brick wall". We were finally able to get her an appointment to see her neurosurgeon on Thursday. He gave her meds (crappy ones that make her sleep 24/7) and sent her for an MRI with and without contrast (took around 45 minutes as opposed to the 20 minutes it usually takes). It was a holiday weekend and didn't hear anything from them until Wednesday when they called to say that the disk is back out and she needs to have the surgery again. I think we both lost our minds at that point. So, we scheduled a second surgery for the following week.
And my head has been spinning ever since. All of the questions have gone through my mind, "Why. God, does this have to happen to her? What did we do to deserve this? How are we going to make it through this? (this being the unnamed situation as well as a second surgery)" I mean, HELLO, IT'S SUMMER! IT'S HER SENIOR YEAR!!!
For the past two days I feel like I am screaming and nobody can hear me. Nobody is there to help me. When these things happen to normal people it's bad. When these things happen to a person with depression and anxiety, it is a little escalated. I think I have scared Carl and myself with some of the thoughts that have entered my mind and exited my mouth.
So, I wake up today, still a little numb, almost feeling dead inside (hard to understand unless you've been there). I make myself get out of bed and get dressed because no matter how I feel, my kids need food and we have nothing in the house. Amazingly, I don't even feel like crying today (maybe because there are no more tears left to cry), I'm just irritated, but I try to hide it but then people start asking me to do stuff....and I get even more irritated. So, I meet Carl to get his check at Walmart. I grocery shop. Makena makes it halfway through and has to go out to the car. God bless her, she is in pain but still tries to push through, being stronger than she should have to be. I then get a message from Carlie asking if I could bring her Wendy's to work. Why not? I mean, that's basically all I'm good for....taking care of my people. We left town and made it home before everything melted (it's warm out). I was working on putting my groceries up when the phone rang. Now sometimes I don't answer the phone (I HATE talking on the phone), but I recognized the number to be the hospital or clinic, so I answered. It was an elderly lady from our church. She was put in the hospital yesterday for complications from congestive heart failure. You know what she was doing? Calling to check on Makena (she also teaches all three of my kids in Sunday School).
A little louder for the ones in the back...she is in the hospital with congestive heart failure and she is still busy working for the Lord. She was just letting Makena know that she was praying for her and that she was sorry that there had to be a second surgery. And just like that I felt sorry. Not for myself anymore, but for being so darn selfish. For letting my mess get in the way of doing my job...doing His work. I will not let Satan get me down and out so much that I can't do what I was to do. It's all about Him. It is time to walk the walk.
Back in the mid 80's there was a song by George Jones called, Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes. It was basically talking about the old school (REAL) country singers.
It's time to ask the question, "whose gonna fill their shoes" when it comes to those prayer warriors and "old school" servants of God. What is going to happen when these people pass? Who in the world is going to take the time to call and check on people? To actually pray for those who request it. Something more than just a shallow prayer...someone who will petition God on your behalf. Who's going to do it? Isn't that part of our duty as a Christian? God isn't asking us to come up with some new, hip, creative way to spread his word and show His love to people. He just needs us to walk the walk. It's why we are here.
The current situation on the homestead is not ideal or even comfortable. I know, what I know, that I KNOW...God is in control. He will give us the grace to push through. I am thankful for the reminder I received today and I hope that it will help someone else out there as well.
Much Love,
Beth
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